This morning I just want to start by relating how much of a struggle this addiction can be. Forget the root of the problem and how I came to be this way; never mind whether or not this is normal or whether other people deal with these same things, this is what I deal with. I’m lusting after all women, well not all women, but most. Every women I see get’s very quickly evaluated when I see them, instantly, and my brain decides what about them I find attractive or not.
Let’s examine the process in a bit more detail and I’ll attempt to relate what happens. (Hopefully this is therapeutic in some way).
I’m sitting in a Starbucks right now. As I was walking up to Starbucks I could see, through the front window, a table with four women sitting at it. As I walked in the door, a tall brunette in a dress walked out followed by a blond in yoga pants. The brunette had nice cleavage, was wearing a dress, knee length, and white or tan heels of low to medium height. I walked through the door first, and then held it for them, as they exited I turned to look and check them out some more, yoga pants fit quite well on the blond and she was tall. The brunette was attractive, maybe not a perfect body, but in my current state, she’d definitely do and I think she would be fun (in bed).
I get in line for coffee, there is an older woman in front of me, she’s not noteworthy. The girl who takes my order is cute. The cashier, she’s older and not attractive. I pay and go look for a place to sit. The bench at the window is good but then the table of four women will be at my back and I’m just a little too close and they might see what I’m writing. Of the four women, two look cute/hot, one just isn’t all that attractive, kind of a bigger girl and then the fourth woman, I haven’t got a good look at.
Oh wait, there’s a bench at the back with a power outlet, table and padded chair. I can sit with my back to the wall and see the whole place and no one can see my computer. As I sit down I get a good view of the table of women, the one next to the unattractive one is really cute.
Oh wait, what’s this?!?!
To my left there are two women sitting talking in the low chairs. The one on the left looks like she has an amazing set of breasts. Large breasts, she’s wearing a nice bra that shows them off, there is a necklace that presses down the fabric between her cleavage. She’s pretty, not gorgeous, but attractive; she’s possibly wearing a bit too much makeup but oh man look at the curves under that shirt!! She looks to be of an appropriate weight. Her companion, she seems alright too, yoga pants. Check her out later.
Ok my coffee is ready. Get it, resume writing. The four girls are getting up now. The one at the corner closest to me stands up. Bright yellow shirt, nice legs, slim, tight waist, she’d do. Ok, they left.
Back to the two in the corner. They appear to be talking about rehab or addiction? Did I just hear that right? How ironic!! They get up and get ready to leave. The companion looks at me, she must think I’m checking them out, I am. She’s pretty too. I was hoping they wouldn’t leave… I’m enjoying looking at the other one. As they walk by, I get to check out the back side of the large breasted woman. She’s wearing a tightish, fitted pant with heels. That bum is full. She’s curvy and full figured. I can feel that familiar tingling in my loins. She’d make a pretty sexy porn star. Oh the things I could do to her…
So there you have it, I sexualize everything, or at the very least every woman I see. This is the daily struggle. Now you must be thinking, what a complete ass hole, at least that’s what I’m thinking. What a dick, pig, masogynystic ass hole!
So these are the questions that arise in my head:
- Is this what other men deal with every day?
- Is this normal?
- Is this my pornified brain?
- The woman in the chair is a person, not a sex object, I know that so why can’t I treat her like one?
- Is this cheating on my wife? I mean should I save my lusting for her?
- Will this ever stop? Will this always be the first thing I think about? Am I forever going to be hardwired this way?
I hope some day I can truly be free of this addiction…