I’m so scared…

I’m so scared of losing MyWife. I know she doesn’t really believe that, but it’s true. I’m terrified of it. As she was talking this evening about her therapy sessions, both yesterday and today, she mentioned grieving. She needs to grieve.

I fear it’s grieving me and our relationship and moving away from me. (Here come the tears to my eyes and the pain in my throat)

There’s fear and there’s shame. I’m not sure that I can tell where one ends and the other begins, at least not in my current state. The thought of not having MyWife in my life is so terrifying that right now, I’m thinking that if she does give up on me and decide she just wants a divorce that I will probably kill myself. I know that’s selfish and petty, but that’s what I’m thinking at this particular moment.

I don’t know how I did what I did last year (more on that when I get my story written down). I don’t know how I walked away and thought I could live life without her and just walk away from the past 7 or 8 years together.  It obviously didn’t work out. I very quickly spiraled out of control and my world fell apart even more.

She asked today about the Chase account again. What am I hiding? Well I’m hiding the amount of money I wasted. The amount of money that ExGirlfriend got from me. Why am I hiding it? Because I’m ashamed of it and I’m also scared that she might hate me even more and that will push her away even further.

Thinking that way is probably a silly way to think. Why would that one item be the one that breaks the camels back after all this? It’s more likely that the not telling is the thing that will end this relationship for good. (More tears and trembling breaths #emotions #pain )

Why am I not hitting this all head on? Why have I not worked on my disclosure today? Why am I so eager to avoid this all? Is it because I am a coward? Is it because I am avoiding the pain that the shame brings? I think so, but I’d like to hear my therapists opinion.

What am I feeling right now? Pain and Fear.
What are three things I am grateful for?
– My morning walk with the dogs.
– That MyWife called me to tell me about her facial appointment
– That MyWife hasn’t already left me.

#suicide #fear #emotions #pain

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