I feel like shit today. Things keep changing and I’m giving up hope. I’m losing patience and I’m really feeling down today. I haven’t stuck to my plans. I’m discouraged. I’ve acted out 3 times in the past 24 hrs (porn & masturbation) after doing so well. I slept in the morning. I haven’t worked out. I spent too much on a lunch that wasn’t event good and I’m sad. I can feel the tears and the sadness just at the edges of discovery, just about to show themselves.
City trip is turning into a shit show. Well not really but it’s inconveniencing me and causing me to spend more money than I wanted to. I have to job interviews, 1 tomorrow and 1 on Thursday. I should be encouraged about these but I’m not, they are stressing me out. I also have a phone call this afternoon, but I don’t know what it’s going to be like and it’s worrying me as well.
I had a phone call with one of my PCS friends this morning. That was nice, it sounds like his world, while still very rocky, is looking up and should heal eventually.
The best thing that happened today is
MyWife had a phone call with an interior design firm and has an interview on Thursday morning. I’m really happy for her. But if I were to explore my feeling deeper I think that might be part of what is making me feel sad and depressed today.
I’m the man, I’m supposed to be supporting her and taking care of her and all I’ve done is put her in danger. I’m a burden and I don’t even have a job. We are just spending my severance. We have almost no savings and I don’t even have a car right now.
I don’t want to pick myself up. I want to give up.
#sad #pain #journalentry #giveup #suicide #dailystruggles