Wednesday… I feel so lost and hopeless

Well today was a long, shitty day. I once again didn’t get up as early as I wanted to. I succumbed to the temptation of pornography and masturbation once again this morning. I packed up my stuff from my apartment, I’m moving it back to City1 to City2. All but two items, a propane grill and a bench that I will have to move later or sell. I also had a job interview today and now I’m back at another AirBnB and will be heading back to City2 after a different job interview/coffee meet tomorrow morning.

So why was it such a shitty day? Well I’m depressed for one thing and discouraged. I’m worried about packing up my stuff and moving it back. What if I end up getting a job here in City1 again and have to move right back down? Immediately from there my mind goes to what happens if I don’t find a job soon, we are going through money so quickly it’s scary. I guesstimate there’s maybe a little over a months worth before I have to start withdrawing from my 401k. Then there’s the debt collectors. I was/am a sex addict with spending issues. So for a guy that made a over a million dollars over the past 3 years I have nothing to show for it except $65k in credit card debt, a repo’d BMW and almost no savings to speak of.

Then there was the interview… that was also very discouraging. I really don’t want to work for this firm. They are a really big middle market firm but they didn’t seem like people I would enjoy working with that much. For fuck’s sake the head of the group put a huge wad of dip into his mouth during the interview and was spitting into a cup. Yeah, I get it, this is State, it happens, but it was still kind of shocking. It’s not like I’m not used to seeing that in a workplace down here and I really don’t care, but in the middle of the interview??

I guess at the moment I feel hopeless, or at least I did earlier today.

Then later on this evening there was the call with MyWife. She made a good point, nobody, least of all me, have asked her what’s the best way to get the disclosure. I just take therapists words for it that there is a right way and a wrong way to do it and just giving her a list of my past actions is the wrong way to do it. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But shouldn’t it be up to her, not me?

I’m also just terrified to give it to her period. I doubt she will ever love me again once we do that.

Anyways today was really shitty or at least parts of it were.

One upside for today was that my brief phone call with a startup company went well this afternoon. Maybe there will be something there after all.

I’m struggling to surrender and accept that the universe is unfolding the way it is supposed to.

Please Lord grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Please also grant me your peace and let feel your love.


One thought on “Wednesday… I feel so lost and hopeless

  1. Give up the struggle my friend and simply surrender. All of the stuff in your life is being cleared away for a reason. This is a great opportunity to find out who you really are under all of this. All of the miseries our minds create have to do with either reaching into the past or fearing the future. Stay present and stay grateful that you are in this moment. Humbling is the best thing that can happen to us. And don’t apply for jobs you don’t want.


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