Always there, ever present, just out of sight, lingering, loitering, waiting…
That’s how I feel about the urge to act out.
Let’s set the stage here just a bit. It’s 3:00 in the afternoon. I’m sitting in my apartment on the couch. It’s an overcast day outside, the wind is quite strong, constantly hoping by my window and cool for
City at the end of April, 64º. I just watched an episode of Great News (not looking like a great show by the way) and I’m debating about what to do next.
You see, I don’t have a lot to do. Well actually I do, but it’s weird. Being unemployed has left me with a lack of purpose and motivation. I find it very hard to get things done and to be determined. I can’t even seem to get out of bed before 8:00 AM these days, often it’s closer to 9:00.
I’ve been thinking about going to the gym. I need to go to the gym. I want to be in better shape. I have these spindly little arms, the only physical exercise I get is walking. I feel like I have man boobs. It’s not that I’m overweight, in fact I’m likely underweight, 6’1″ and 185lbs, but I have no muscle tone. My health conditions have made it more difficult for me to exercise, not only that, I’m lazy.
Anyways, as I sit and think about whether or not I should go get some exercise, it pops into my head, ‘Why don’t you just go rub one out first, that will make you feel better?’ It might make me feel better, temporarily, but then ultimately it will make me feel worse. I’ll feel bad that I haven’t accomplished anything with my time, that I wasted it in this selfish habit. I’ll feel bad that I slipped, yet again. I will feel bad because I am a failure.
Go away urge, go away addict, go away compulsion. Let me be free from you. Let me live in peace. I just want to be better so I can start to feel worthwhile and to get on with my life.
Dear God, please give me the strength to resist these urges, fill me with your peace and your motivation and your love, so that I can go on and doing something else with my day and continue to grow in your presence. Amen.