Anxiety Builds

It’s kind of crazy how quickly my anxiety and tension can build back up. It’s also kind of crazy how quickly the desire to act out rises to match those feelings.

I’m an avoider. I avoid conflict, I avoid difficult situations, I avoid pain and anguish.  Does that make me a coward? In the past I would have avoided these feelings by numbing out through porn and masturbation or a massage parlor or through anonymous sex. Maybe even through alcohol, although that’s less likely the direct method for me to avoid.

Where to start writing for today? Well… lets go back to yesterday.

  • I went to church yesterday. That was good.
  • I worked out yesterday. That was good.
  • I saw a movie with MyWife – “The Case for Christ“. That was also good.
  • We had dinner together and spent the evening together and I also stayed over. That was all good.

This morning however, waking up over there, while nice, did distract me a little from what I should have been doing today. Not that it was unpleasant. I did enjoy it and I got to walk the dogs in the morning and I enjoy being around her. But it also meant that I didn’t have anything to do over there. I wasn’t in my space, surrounded by my stuff.

Everything feels like it takes so long these days and time goes by so quickly. It’s already 2:00 in the afternoon!

  • I got up this morning at 7:00.
  •  I walked the dogs for 40-50 minutes.
  •  I got back to the house and had some coffee and watched a TV show while I waited for MyWife to drive me back to my apartment. I did go through some of my emails and everything and that brought me to about 9:30 when I got here.
  • I made some breakfast, because I hadn’t eaten at MyWife’s, that brought me to 10:00.
  • I talked to Coach till about 10:40-10:50. There’s another hour gone.
  • I composed and sent an email to Paul, another counselor and therapist that Garett wanted me to talk to and that brought me to 11:20 or so.
  • After that, I went through my emails, read a bit of news and applied for a few jobs. That brought me to around 1:30.

Applying to jobs was also pretty difficult because most ask questions about why you left your last job, have you ever been discharged, have you ever been charged or convicted of a misdemeanor or felony? If so, explain further, blah, blah, blah. I never know whether or not to be honest or not, or what to say and it’s all very nerve wracking. It’s part of what causes all of this anxiety.

Then there’s the bank account, it’s getting close to empty very quickly and MyWife and I need to talk about it and have a discussion about bills and pulling out my 401k. I don’t even have a fucking car right now.

Then there’s my medical claims, those look like they are all going to get sent back until I reach my deductible. Which is a bunch of bull shit. Medical insurance companies are all full of shit and purposely try and screw you over and make it difficult to get anything from them.

But the point is that all of this causes mad anxiety for me. Everything stresses me out.

Oh yeah and back to my timeline… by the time I quickly looked at my health care claims and 401k it was already 2:00. I haven’t even gotten into any reading yet, or working on disclosure and I still want to do some yoga. Where does the time go so quickly?

I also want to work on leaning Swift, develop an app, start a consulting web site, quantify our finance, build an app, watch some TV and do many more things.

Where do I start? What’s my first step? The answer probably is to get healthy.

Small achievements, today at 5:00, it will be 6 days without porn or masturbation and yesterday was 90 days since any physical acting out or going to a massage parlor.  Woohoo!!



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