And loneliness… and other things.
When I talked to my coach this morning, before my last post. We talked about how I hadn’t been eating that well over the weekend, how I hadn’t been practicing good self care. How I was struggling with motivation.
He mentioned that since it’s been almost two week without that dopamine hit that I get from acting out, looking at porn and masturbation, that I was going through withdrawal which was affecting my mood. That also contributed to my lack of self care and not taking care of myself which also factored into my difficulties.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I also know that it’s withdrawal, because I’m experiencing blue balls today. When I get blue balls, it’s not just that my testicles are sore and swollen, it’s the my pelvic area around my genitals also gets tender and sore, it can actually hurt to walk sometimes, or cross my legs. All this withdrawl combined with some edging behavior earlier today has left me in a somewhat sore state and in a vulnerable place, recovery wise.
I can feel it creeping in deeper – oh it’s always there – but today the addict is getting a bit more insidious. He’s telling me to just visit that damn erotica website I used to go to. I could read it without masturbating… I’m missing out on the series he says. I’ll forget where I was when I do eventually come back to it. He’s reminding me of how great an orgasm feels when it’s been this long, how strong a hit it is. What a big creamy load will result. And the second one a little while later is even better!!
Fuck this sucks. This really, really sucks. I just want to give in. I’ve been having so many erections today.
I did get some self care in today. I did go to the gym and did a workout, I fell a little short and skipped the last three exercises, but it was still a pretty good workout. I also made a salad when I was done. Got some healthy food in me.
I also had a job interview this morning, it went well, well enough that they want me to come down to see them on Wednesday and meet in person. It would probably be a good job, but I don’t want it. I don’t want to be living in that other city and commuting back and forth to see my wife. I don’t know if I can stay strong and maintain sobriety if I end up back down there. My mind has already raced around to past sexual partners and massage parlours. It’s not like I don’t have that freedom here right now, given that we are living in a separation, but it’s at least different being in the same city.
Why can’t I just give in to this? Why shouldn’t I just give up. It would feel so good. Ahhh but so good only for a little while and not in the long term.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.