I thought I was doing better…

And I am doing better, but I still have a very, very long way to go.

My Answers in the Heart – May 9th – mediation this morning talk about a couple of things that hit close to home. Self absorption, sluggishness in the morning, wanting to live forever. Vision narrowing until it was only about us and shame blocking out everything else.

I am guilty of all of these things, well except maybe wanting to live forever, bit more on that in a moment. I have been experiencing that morning sluggishness an awful lot these past few week, I can’t get going. I can’t get stuff done. I am constantly bombarded by the shame of my past actions and I can’t own them or be truthful about them because I am too worried about how it makes me feel inside rather than what it would do for others or my wife, if she just knew the truth of everything.

I’ve never wanted to live forever, not really, except in the sense that I would like to see what the future brings, where humankind goes and what the universe holds. In fact last night I prayed for God to take me from this earth and to let me die in my sleep. That was selfish, I know, but I want to escape this pain. The pain of my current reality.

I know I’ve talked about this before, but why does it seem like time flies by so much faster these days, or why does everything take so much longer? Where does all the time go?

I’m struggling to even put this out there. This blog is anonymous, but sooner or later I hope to share it with some people who know me.

Anyways I did something this morning that I’m conflicted about. I masturbated. I didn’t look at porn, I did read any stories, but I masturbated. It took all of 75 seconds I’m sure for me to reach orgasm, and it wasn’t all that satisfying, but I still did.
The struggle is that I’m trying to decided whether that constitutes acting out for me or not.


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