I’m going to post a working copy of disclosure to my wife here. I hope this doesn’t kill me.
Early Life and Pornography & Masturbation
My first sexual encounter of any kind was in Kindergarten or before, I don’t exactly know how old I was, but I was quite young. I was at a babysitter’s house with two of my brother’s. The baby sitter had two children of her own, a daughter who was about the same age or younger and a son who was older than I. The son took me and my two brothers into a closet and tried to insert a metal hook into my penis. I recognized this was wrong and weird and got out of the closet as soon as possible, I believe that
Brother1 also got out with me, but Brother2 may have been in there a few minutes longer.
My next sexual encounter was when I stayed over at my Aunt and Uncle’s house and shared a bed with my male cousin. I’m not sure of the exact age I was. I’m don’t know what all we talked about, but he obviously knew more about sex than I did and we did some touching. It was strange and although I was willing, I was naïve and it was uncomfortable and strange.
My first encounter with pornography was in the 6th grade on the school playground with some other boys in my class. We found a magazine in the school yard and it was a pretty shocking experience for me the first time and I really didn’t know anything then and didn’t have anyone to talk to about it at home and I didn’t tell anyone.
Later on as a young teenager or even a 12 year old I had my second encounter with pornography. I found two magazines in the back seat of one of my dad’s students work trucks that was left in our yard. I do concede that it could have been my Dad’s as opposed to one of the students, but I really don’t know the answer. I kept those magazines for years.
It was also about that same time, when I was 12 or 13 that we first got dial up internet at the farm and as soon as I was left alone I went and looked up pornography and playboy.com online. From those points on pornography, both print and internet as well as masturbation became a large part of my life. I don’t recall where all I got the magazines from, but I did manage to get them, I think one of my friends stole a few from a convenience store, or we slipped them into other magazines and even bought them outright long before it was legal. I would also sneak onto the internet when I could and look at things online. During this time, I also discovered phone sex lines and was caught for that by my dad. As a teenager things got worse when began to rent adult videos from the local movie store.
There was even a time, when I was baby sitting and after the kids were in bed, I took out the mother’s lingerie and was masturbating with it. I was caught by the mom although she didn’t say anything to me at the time, her husband came to talk to my dad the next day and he later talked to me about it.
Pornography and masturbation were a daily or very nearly daily occurrence from me starting in my teenage years until very recently. There were times when I tried to stop but it didn’t last long. It did decrease and stopped for a time when we were married but it did resume again at some point after we were married.
The first time I ever went to a strip club was when I was in Grade 12. Two friends and I skipped the afternoon of school and drove to
City1 and went to a strip club. It was one of the other guys ideas, but I went along with it. We didn’t stay long, before we left and went back home.
I also went again once when I was in university with that same friend, this was actually my cousin who was the one I had that experience with as a young child.
I didn’t go again until after university. I met some of my field supervisors when I was at
Company1 for the very first time at the StripClub in City2. I also went to them again in Las Vegas with some friend from City3.
I went once in
City4 when I was still living in City2 but I’m not sure who with.
I don’t believe I went again until after we were living in
City5. On a trip back to City2 for the Company2 hockey tournament I went with one of the guys when we landed in City2 and then later during that weekend with the rest of the team.
I went once with
Friend1 and Friend2 after a night of drinking when you were in Canada and another time with Friend1 after an Company2 Christmas party I think.
When I was living in
City6 I went to them once in City7 during Friend3’s bachelor party. Briefly in City8 at Friend1’s bachelor party and then one time in City3 with Friend1 when you and I were separated.
Sexual Encounters Before Meeting You
The first time I had sex was when I was 18 and in university with a girl I had started dating at the time. I dated her up until her final year of college. I still had one year of college left. I did have one, one-night-stand with a girl while in City9 while living there for my summer job at a gas plant.
In my final year of college, I desperately wanted a girlfriend or at the very least to be having sex. I was too shy and unconfident in myself to ask anyone out or to have any luck picking up girls at any social outings and or dances or bars or anything. I had zero self-confidence and was terrified of rejection. I found solace in pornography and masturbation and somehow, I discovered a site called Adult Friend Finder which was for devoted to finding sexual partners be it singes or couples, straight, bisexual, or homosexual. My ideas about sex were already pretty messed up even at this point, so I went on there and put up a profile. There was a couple that I chatted with, much older than myself, I even went so far as to meet them once, but I never engaged in any sexual activities with them or anyone else that final year of college.
When I moved to
City3 after college I still struggled with talking to women, I still dabbled on AFF and discovered Craigslist as well as some other similar sites like LavaLife but not much came of anything. I once went to someone’s house in City3 to meet them for sex, but she wasn’t what I expected and I just left. There three times where I met people in social situations that almost led to one-night-stands, and I did spend the night, but there was no actual intercourse. There were a few girls that I went on dates with but no relationships nor did anything develop from anything.
When I moved to
City2 things became worse, my activity heightened. I met a couple on AFF. I met them in person at a coffee shop and then we went to a parking lot where I had protected sex with the woman in their vehicle. I also met this couple another time at a motel and I had protected and unprotected sex with the woman.
There was another couple I met on the same or similar site and I met them at their hotel. I had protected sexual intercourse with the woman.
I met another woman on that site who came to my home in
City2. We did not engage in sexual intercourse but she did manually stimulate me.
I also had two encounters with prostitutes before I met you that I met through online websites. I had protected sexual intercourse each time.
It was about this time that I also discovered massage parlors in
City2. I don’t know exactly how often I went but it started out infrequently and went to as frequent as 1-2 times a week. This habit started before I met you, but continued after and throughout our marriage.
I would go to these places during my lunch hour, after work or even during work. I would spend between $80 & $200+ dollars per session. Most of the encounters were just a massage and manual stimulation. On a few a small number of occasions there was protected and unprotected oral sex and sexual intercourse.
I estimate that I went between 20-50 times a year when I was in
City5 and City4 and spent between 4000-8000/year over the last 10 years. I spent this money when we were short of money and having a hard time paying our bills. I even used cash withdrawls from my credit cards and funds from payday loans to pay for these activities.
After I met You
I met you in October of 2005. I don’t recall my exact behaviors around that time but I know that they were less frequent and I think they did stop for a time.
In the fall of 2007 I started working with a woman at work. Our relationship developed into an affair and in October of that year she and I went to a hotel room and had unprotected sexual intercourse. The affair continued until February of 2008 when I broke it off. We would meet after work in offices or vehicles or at hotels and also at her home. She was married. She became pregnant over the course of that time and there was an abortion.
During this time there was also a couple from AFF who I met with at a hotel sometime in the fall of 2007. I had protected sexual intercourse with the woman.
After we were Married
After we were married, my activity did drop off significantly in all respects but came back over time. I’m not exactly sure at what time it picked up again, but it did. I still looked at pornography and masturbated when I had an opportunity and I still went to massage parlors on occasion, usually at some point during the work day.
When we were still in
City2 in the summer of 2009 there were a woman I met 3 times she performed oral sex on me in my vehicle and 1 time we had protected intercourse as well.
There was another occasion where I went over to a man’s house and let him perform oral sex on me.
On my trip to
City4 to interview for the job I met a couple from Craigslist at my hotel and had sexual intercourse with the woman, both protected and unprotected.
While you were in
Traveling, besides massage parlors, there were 3 encounters, all arranged from online websites. There was a couple in City9 that I met I had sex with the female party and also exchanged oral sex with the man. There was a woman that I met who came to our home and we exchanged oral sex. There was a woman who I met at a hot tub place who manually stimulated me but no intercourse. There was also a trip to a swingers club where I had sex with 3 different women, 1 time unprotected.
City4 Anonymous Sex:
In our time in
City4 there were 18 sexual or attempted sexual encounters with women, couples or men with 13 different people or couples. Some were protected and some were not. Two of those encounters did not end with any sexual contact or activity. Two were where I let men perform oral sex on me. 1 was with a couple at an adult bookstore and their hotel where I had sexual intercourse with the woman and he performed oral sex on me. 2 were group sex situations. And 3 happened in our home.
City4 I met with 12 different prostitutes, some multiple times. Once in our home in City10. Sometimes in vehicles, sometimes at their hotels or homes. These encounters cost between 100 & 250. Most times were protected sex, but some were not.
City5 Anonymous Sex:
There are 30 different sexual encounters that I can recall while I was living in
City5. Most were arranged through online sites like Craigslist or Ashley Madison. Eight of these encounters were with couples or groups of people. Four of them happened while I was travelling in City11
Four of them were times when I let a man perform oral sex on me. 2 of them I performed oral sex on a man. 5 of these things happened after we had started to work on things again.
These encounters would usually happen in the evenings or late at night. Sometimes during the day, but most often at night.
There were two women I dated, 1 was
ExGirlfriend, who you already know about and there was a different woman in November before ExGirlfriend who I dated and slept with for about 2-3 weeks. This was after I disappeared or ceased contact with you.
In addition to massage parlors there are 7 different times I arranged encounters with prostitutes or exchanged money for sex while I was living in
City5 , these ranged from 100 up to 600 dollars. One was in Las Vegas while I was there for work and another time was in City12 for work.
In addition to my sexual acting out, I hid the details of our finances from you so that you would not know how much I was spending on my sexual acting out. I lied to you about my work schedule my activities and was generally untruthful with you. I was a compulsive spender, almost never say no to something I wanted but often saying no to you about things you wanted. There were times when I was an alcoholic as well, especially over the past 12-24 months. My drinking put my health and our finances in danger.
I was angry and not open with you and often turned things into a fight so I wouldn’t have to be truthful about things. I had no right to do any of this and to treat you so poorly and to put you in danger the way I have.