It more than likely has to do with when I actually get to bed and get to sleep. I didn’t crawl into be until close to midnight, then I read for a little bit and it also took me longer to fall asleep than it usually does. Maybe because I ate late, maybe because I’m […]
Read more "Why is it so hard to get out of bed?"Always there, ever present, just out of sight, lingering, loitering, waiting… That’s how I feel about the urge to act out. Let’s set the stage here just a bit. It’s 3:00 in the afternoon. I’m sitting in my apartment on the couch. It’s an overcast day outside, the wind is quite strong, constantly hoping by […]
Read more "Cravings & Urges"So I didn’t leave the house today… but that was ok, I’m in a strangely ok mood. I did some reading today, nothing meaningful, but caught up on some things that I wanted to. I also caught up on a bunch of TV. Knocked out the last two episodes of Black Sails, such a good […]
Read more "End of the Day"It turns out that there are a great deal of resources available for sex addicts, porn addicts and spouses of addicts. There are therapists, inpatient programs, outpatient programs, intensives, groups, workshops, meetings, websites, apps, books, you name it, it’s probably out there. Almost everything costs money though. The few things that I have found […]
Read more "Everything costs money"It’s been a while since I journaled and posted. I’ve been pretty depressed and discouraged of late. All my goals have fallen by the wayside and I’ve had a hard time getting anything done or focusing on any single task. I don’t know whether it’s been the addiction or dealing with the consequences of my […]
Read more "So I took some time off from Journaling"Well today was a long, shitty day. I once again didn’t get up as early as I wanted to. I succumbed to the temptation of pornography and masturbation once again this morning. I packed up my stuff from my apartment, I’m moving it back to City1 to City2. All but two items, a propane grill and […]
Read more "Wednesday… I feel so lost and hopeless"I’m constantly hungry. I wonder if that’s me trying to mediate with food? Watching Brene Brown’s first TED Talk… I should see if she has anything for sex addicts on her website, not that the whole shame and vulnerability thing isn’t dead on for addiction. Components of Wholeheartedness: Courage Compassion Connection Vulnerability How do I […]
Read more "Flying"I feel like shit today. Things keep changing and I’m giving up hope. I’m losing patience and I’m really feeling down today. I haven’t stuck to my plans. I’m discouraged. I’ve acted out 3 times in the past 24 hrs (porn & masturbation) after doing so well. I slept in the morning. I haven’t worked […]
Read more "I just want to give up"I just started reading it. The first few pages are about vulnerability. I’m already going to thoughts of porn and masturbation in my head. So what does this mean? 1. This probably seems painful to me, therefore I want to avoid and medicate. That’s what my addiction does for me. 2. This is also probably […]
Read more "Daring Greatly by Brene Brown"